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April 25, 2006


“Mmm….missions” has been quite the cry of my heart since I have known the Lord. As of late my heart has been entangled with unsettling emotion and feelings about it–not really having any direction. I’ve decided that it’s okay for a season. Partly, I know that that is why God wants me in Colorado all summer–to seek Him and His vision for my life as well as to continue uprooting insecurities that hinder ministry. So many paths– full-time ministry, teaching, marriage, missions (where, when, how long???), children, incorporating writing and music in ministry… I have no focus right now other than each day that comes. I suppose I do have somewhat of a vision but still, I needed word on where my heart was.

Journaling and praying the other night I made it a point to ask God specifically for direction and just what the heck is going on with where my heart stands. He spoke–not the answer I thought I’d hear, but definitely an answer. God revealed some founded truths about missions. I realized the reality of missions. Painstaking. Dirty. Sacrificial. Motives must be for His Purpose and His Name and His Glory. Not for self and not even for the people. In the big scheme of things, it’s all about Him. Now, He cares about us, so don’t discount that. But if we go for the purpose of ourselves or others, we will be picked off and devoured. Only the strength of the Lord will sustain–only going for Him will lend to perseverance. Sure, traveling is great, cultures are great, and it’s a glorious thing to do for the Lord, but motives must be in the right place. Sure, these are all things I’ve “known” and have been taught, but actually realizing them and accepting them is slightly different. Now I am beginning to really “know.” I know that my heart is for missions, but I have no idea what that means. I’m sure I will go at least for a year trip some time in my life, but I really don’t know what God has in store for me. I don’t even have direction. I feel like I am supposed to learn Spanish flutently, yet I also feel like I should be overseas at one point. Spain? Not really where my heart is right now. Heck, I’ve got no clue. O Lord, do give me direction. All this to say, the Lord has me right where He wants me for now (I think). I was put at peace about everything, knowing that the Lord takes us along each babystep at a time. Right now the Lord must refocus my motives a little and train, equip, and prepare me for whatever ministry He calls me to–whether it be to send or go, do music, write, raise a family, etc. He knows. I don’t have a mirror to see around every corner but that’s okay. He’s in control. Selah!

The issue of support-raising has come up again. Talking with Sarah today I questioned why I can have amazing testimonies of God’s provision and then fall back to the seed of doubt. Clearly, I should have no doubt after some of the testimonies He has given me. Not the case. Then I wonder, how is it that sometimes I forge on in complete faith and can be quite the risk taker simply because of my faith, while other times I walk in more caution or rather hindering doubt. Sarah, reminded me of how often God had to remind the Israelites of what He had done for them. Heck, they had walked across the parted Red Sea and they still doubted God. This lends a little comfort to my own propensity to doubt. She also reminded me that sometimes God allows us to doubt so that we will remember everything that He has done. Oh how glorious. God is so good. And He will provide. I am believing Him for it!

One of the lessons in Perspectives has always stuck with me. It was about Exodus and how one of the main purposes of this mission was to spread God’s name. A point from this lesson was made about His timing. How perfect it always is–how He always seems to swoop down in the last minute and do amazing things–all for His glory. i.e. parting the Red Sea! Right at the last minute…I think about my first summer of LT. I could not send off my letters for LT until mid to end of April and we were to leave in May. God poured out abundantly and all the money needed came through within the first week or so after I mailed off the letters. Amazing. Don’t doubt God’s provision.

I always come back to this passage:

Matthew 6

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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