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Breaking Down

March 6, 2010

It’s been a love-hate relationship. To be honest, Korea has been a hard place for me to live– all the while a place of deep waters and revelation. A land of testing and growth. A land that presses me and either hardens me or breaks me to the core so that God can rebuild me with a strength of a lion but the gentleness of a lamb. A land of extremes. A land that God has used in specific ways to form me.

Recently, I’ve had to face the things that have hurt me and attacked my identity while living here. I’m beginning to work through them with forgiveness and brokenness as I let go of any bitterness, taking on a banner of love and a new lens to see this country through. A new lens to see how God is moving in my life while I’m living in a culture so foreign to my own. A new lens to see myself in…as God is shaving down my hard edges and forming me into something He’s always seen me as. A new lens to see that I have actually loved my life here.

The biggest struggle for me in this season and place is to find extended time to rest, process, and be in HIS presence. These things are so crucial to my health– physical, emotional, and spiritual. There has been a tremendous grace over me during this season. A grace that I cannot understand. A grace that has sustained me while I’ve had to work against my natural tendencies, allowing me to be sharpened in areas of my life that are not generally near the surface of my strengths. Going against the grain of my natural flow has been wearing and trying in so many ways, but it has been a training ground, making me more whole and like Jesus. In the end, I am thankful.

After a year and a half of living in the go, go, go of Korea, I finally reached my limit and found myself breaking down– just as the song says. Not caring if anyone was around. The first time I heard the song I didn’t really listen to the lyrics, but my spirit was so moved.

I began to meditate on the lyrics and found that I could relate to the song so well. I long to be Mary Magdalene, at the feet of Jesus, pouring out perfume. I long to be in His presence. John Mark McMillan is so raw. So real. Just how I have been feeling. I’m breaking down and I don’t care who is around. I’m Mary Magdalene and tonight is a bottle of perfume. …So meet me here where we shine like gold!

I realize that I can always be aware of HIS presence at any moment, but there is something so rich about being alone with God– not on a subway or in the midst of a crowd. These are the times I have been longing for. Not when I’m on the brink of exhaustion… but times when I have the day for HIM. Time to let revelation sink into my spirit. The times when I am consumed by the richness of God in His glorious presence– when I can lay out on my floor and weep or pray and contend– those times when I can go out to the mountains and cry out his holy name. These are the times that I long for.

I will fight harder for these times. I will rearrange. I will do whatever it takes. But my life cannot continue in this pace without the deep, quiet times of rest before my King.

After reaching this point of exhaustion, I was graced with a day off from work as well as a real Sabbath this Saturday. It was the first in months. Truly, I have been refreshed.

I have learned to relate to God in new ways and sustain His presence even in the busyness of life… but I must and shall fight for my time with HIM. Heidi gives every morning to the Lord– be it a bike ride or scuba diving– she spends time with HIM. Finding time like that is hard here. But I must.

O LOVER take me away! Take me to the wilderness! Refresh me! Let me drink deep of your love. Let me find refuge under the shade of your wings. Hold me tight. Keep me close. Speak tenderly to me. Cover me with your grace. Cover me with your love.

It’s out of the overflow that we pour out. It’s from a place of rest that we let the Father fight out battles. It’s from a place of favor and victory that we must live. It’s from His heartbeat that our heart beats. It’s from His love that we may love. It’s from His word that we must eat. It’s from His presence that we must walk. It’s in HIM where we must abide. I am a branch and He is the vine… May I always abide in HIM. ALWAYS. Even in the busyness. In him I can walk peacefully, even when the rest of the world is frantic and running. In HIM I find life. In Him I can be a life-giver.

You are mine and I am Yours!

Explanation for the pictures:

Someone had a vision of me that I was like a flower grown out of concrete– that beauty came out of the most unlikely circumstances…

Another person said that the roots of flowers in concrete are eventually strong enough to break through the concrete.

Someone else gave me a word that they saw a vision of me as a tree. The roots were stopped by a rock, but then they broke through the rock and went down deep.

Even if… God is enough!

My roots will go deep, breaking through the rock of busyness and I will drink from living waters! I will not wither. I will be an oak of righteousness planted by living waters! Selah!


This song has been blessing me a lot lately:

“Breaking Down” John Mark McMillan

I’m making plans to waist my life on you
I’m making plans to waist my life on you
Cause New York City and Hollywood combined
They ain’t got enough lights
To make me want change my mind about you

Cause I’m breaking down
I don’t even care if there’s anyone else around
Cause I’m breaking down
I always fall to pieces whenever you’re around

I’m Mary Magdalene and tonight is a bottle of perfume
I’m Mary Magdalene and tonight is a bottle of perfume
There’s not enough dignity to hold me now
When I know your going to meet me here
There’s not enough gravity
To keep me away from you

Cause I’m breaking down
I don’t even care if there’s anyone else around
Cause I’m breaking down
I always fall to pieces whenever your around

So meet me here
Where we shine like gold
Like the light beneath the embers
Of the burning coals
And I will spill my bottle
Like in days of old
On the song that bleeds from the breaking down

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