15 Years

Today marks the 15th year since my mom’s death.

Usually I am not short for words, but today I find myself starting sentences only to erase them and  forming thoughts that are only half finished. I do not have anything of much weight to say except,

I really miss my mom.

Sorrow weaves its way through our lives– a meandering of tears mingled with grief.

But joy really does come in the morning.

Sometimes she seems like a figment of my imagination, as if it were another life I lived. And other times, she comes alive in my thoughts and I remember her like it were yesterday. I suppose this is true for anyone you are separated from for any uncertain amount of time.

Time seems to wear on your memories and emotions, fading them like the sun setting on the tide.

Yes, I miss my mom. During the big moments of life. But mostly in the small moments. Her voice. Her smell. Her laugh. Her hugs. Her creativity. Her playfulness. Her kisses. Her handwriting. Her love.

Today is a day that I like to remember her~ not for the hard times but for the sweet memories we shared.

That twelve year old girl is all grown up now. Mom missed seeing her grow up. And she missed seeing her mom.

The sadness and grief of it all doesn’t hit me like it used to– how it used to knock the wind out of me and knock me flat out into tears. I mean, it doesn’t happen often, I should say. Rather, today, remembering is bittersweet. Time has allowed God to tend the wounds.

I can say with a healed heart that I miss my mom but I am not overcome with sorrow. I can say that the longing I have for her never goes, but its searing effect has worn off. Her memories are bittersweet. She remains a memory of something loved and lost. A memory of childhood. A memory dear to me.

So today, I am content.

Though, I really miss my mom.

Mom’s heart cake she always made for our birthdays~